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Quote of the Week

“I went to my doctor and told him my penis is burning. He said, ‘That means somebody is talking about it.’” Garry Shandling, Seppo comic


Q. What’s the difference between a blonde and a pair of sunglasses?
A. The sunglasses sit higher on your face.

K.C., MANSFIELD, QLD

A department store called ManMart offered women a service that let them come in and choose their perfect match. There was only one rule: if you passed up what was on offer on one floor, you could never go back to that level. An eager woman entered the elevator and pressed the button. When the doors opened on the first floor, the sign read, “These men all have jobs and love kids.” She passed on that option and went to the next floor. The sign up there said, “Handsome men with jobs who love kids.” Once again, she declined the offer. The sign on level three said, “Handsome men with jobs who love kids, cooking and housework.” Sounded good, but she moved on anyway. On the fourth floor the sign read, “Handsome men who are true romantics, have jobs, love kids, cooking and housework.” Yet again, no dice. The level five sign said, “Handsome men with jobs who are true romantics, love kids, love housework and don’t drink.” That was no good, either. On the sixth floor the sign read, “Hunky, handsome men with secure jobs who are true romantics, love kids and housework, don’t drink, have no bad habits and are financially secure.” Figuring that every floor was just getting better, she decided to continue up to the top. When the lift reached level seven, the doors wouldn’t open. Instead, a recording said, “Ladies, this is the last level and there are no men available here. It exists solely to prove that women are impossible to please. The elevator will now return you directly to the exit. Thanks for visiting ManMart.”

M.J., GOROKAN, SA

“Do you want the good news or the bad news?” the bloke said to his missus. “Better give me the bad news first,” the wife said. “Well,” said her hubby, “we’ve been advised that we’re so far behind with the payments on the house that we’re going to lose it. Both cars are being repossessed, we owe $100,000 on our credit cards and there’s two months of unpaid taxes on our salaries. Basically, we’re going to lose everything.” “Jesus!” said the wife. “What’s the good news?” “Our identities have been stolen.”

Y.N., UMINA, NSW

Q. Did you hear about the nurse who died and went to hell?
A. It took her two weeks to figure out she wasn’t at work anymore.

R.P., EPPING, VIC

Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from university. While hiking through the bush, he came across a young elephant with one leg raised in the air. The animal was distressed, so Mkele approached carefully. He inspected its foot and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it. As carefully as he could, Mkele worked the thorn out. The elephant turned and stared at him. For several tense moments Mkele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually, the beast trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Mkele never forgot that elephant. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to Mkele. It stared at him and lifted its foot off the ground, then put it down. The huge jumbo did that several times, then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at Mkele. Remembering that earlier encounter, Mkele wondered if this was the same elephant. Summoning up his courage, he climbed the railing, entered the enclosure, walked up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly, the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mkele’s legs and swung him wildly back and forth into the railing, killing him. Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

D.U., MOUNT ISA, QLD

Q. How is a lawyer different from a prostitute?
A. There are some things Prossies won’t do.

H.M., DAVENPORT, TAS

A bloke contacted the electricity company to complain that his bill was too high. The customer service consultant had to determine if the man’s problem was due to a faulty setting on a thermostat, so he asked, “What do you have your water heater and airconditioner set on?” “As far as I know,” the bloke answered, “they’re set on a concrete slab at the side of the house.”

V.N., MANNERING PARK, NSW

A drunk wandered into an all-night café and ordered scrambled eggs. The waitress went into the kitchen and gave the order to her boss who looked in the fridge and found he had only egg left. “Why don’t you mix it up with the old smelly piece of cheese? That bloke’s too drunk to notice the difference,” said the waitress, After the drunk had finished his meal, he slurred, “Miss, do you keep chickens here?” “Yes, we do have a few chickens out the back,” she said. “And do you have a rooster?” asked the drunk. “Yes, we have one of those, as well.” “Well,” said the drunk, “You’d better go check on it, I think a skunk’s rooting your chooks.”

J.M., MORWELL, VIC

A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon when the gushing bride immediately called her mum. “How was the honeymoon?” asked the mother. “The honeymoon was wonderful, so romantic,” the daughter said, then promptly burst into tears. “But as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language, words I’d never heard before, awful four-letter words. You’ve got to take me home.” “Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said. “Calm down and tell me what could be so awful, what four-letter words?” “Please don’t make me tell you, Mum,” wept the daughter. “I’m so embarrassed, they were just too awful. Come and get me please.” “You must tell your mum what has made you so upset. Tell me those horrible four-letter words.” Sobbing the bride said, “He used words like, dust, wash, iron and cook.”

B.S., HOPPERS CROSSING, VIC

Q. How do you know Santa’s a man?
A. Because he turns up late, eats your food, drinks your booze, empties his sack, only comes once and then fucks off before you wake up.

M.C., ROCKHAMPTON, QLD

Although it was their first date, she was anything but shy and soon had his dong in her hand. “What is your pet name for it,” she asked. “I know some fellas call it Dick, Willy, or Peter. What do you call yours?” “I don’t call mine anything,” said her date. “It always comes without being called.”

S.O., CABOULTURE, QLD

A blonde decided to rent her first X-rated adult video. After looking around for a while, she selected a title that sounded very stimulating. She drove home, lit some candles, slipped into something comfortable and slid the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there was nothing but static on the screen. She called the video shop to complain. “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing but static on the tape,” the sheila complained. “Sorry about that,” the shop assistant said. “We’ve had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?” “Head Cleaner,” replied the blonde.

S.B., TAMWORTH, NSW

Mick was in big trouble with the little woman when he forgot their anniversary. “Tomorrow,” his wife told him angrily, “there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat or I’m outta here.” The next morning Mick’s missus looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it and found a brand new set of bathroom scales.

E.W., COLLARENEBRI, NSW

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